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Jealousy - The Evil Monster

    The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying swinging relationships is jealousy. Despite how enlightened and mature we think we are, most of us experience jealousy if our spouse or lover has a sexual relationship with someone else. A few rare individuals never experience jealousy, but they must be more highly evolved than the rest of us mortals. Treat jealousy as a given: assume that it will occur, and be prepared with strategies to successfully address it and minimize the damage.

We tend to think of jealousy as a single emotion, but actually it is a whole bundle of feelings that tend to get lumped together. Jealousy can manifest as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded. It often helps to identify what is the exact mix of feelings you experience when you feel jealous. What is the primary emotion you feel when you are jealous? De-mystifying the exact components of your jealousy can be a giant step towards getting a grip on things and resolving the problem. Is it always the same for you or does the mix change from time to time depending on circumstances? For instance, one woman figured out that her jealousy was about 50% fear, 20% anger, 20% feeling powerless and 10% feeling betrayed. However, when she asked her partner for reassurance and affection, and he provided it, the anger and betrayal disappeared. Then her jealousy was much more manageable, because most of what was left was fear and she could express those feelings more easily to her partner and resolve them.
Swinging and Jealousy!

Swinging has always been about couples - with today's advancing sexual society marriage has become less important so non-married "couples" have been accepted along with single females. For every jealous feeling there is an emotion behind the jealousy that is much more significant than the jealousy itself. Behind jealousy there is an unmet need or a deep fear that our needs will not be met. Many of these feelings may be do deeply rooted that they trace back to previous relationships and actually have nothing to do with the actual couple who are together today. Recognizing those fears and unmet needs is the key to unmasking jealousy and taking away its power. Jealousy is just the finger pointing at the fears and needs we are afraid to face. When jealousy kicks in, it is the ancient reptilian part of our brain going into a "fight or flight" response because we feel that our very survival is threatened. When you feel jealous, ask yourself, "What is it that I am really afraid of? What do I need to make this situation safe for me?" "What is the worst thing that could happen and how likely is that to happen?"

Our society is addicted to three core beliefs about relationships that are almost guaranteed to create jealousy even in the most well-adjusted people. Most of us have absorbed these beliefs without even realizing it through the brain washing of our so-called life mentors such as parents, teachers, media personalities and yes even the clergy {heaven forbid}. Identifying and dismantling these beliefs in our "heart of hearts" is the single most effective way to short-circuit jealousy. Ask yourself how much of you believes each of these three statements. Is it 90% of yourself that believes them? 50%? Notice which belief is most entrenched in your subconscious mind and eliminate it first.

The First Killer Propaganda is:
If my partner really loved me, they wouldn’t have any desire for a sexual relationship with anyone else. BULLSHIT. The human species IS NOT monogamous and never has been. If it is then you had better go locate the first person that you had sex with and move in with them, because they are your Life Mate and therefore you MUST be with only them. The belief that if your partner has an interest in anyone else, this shows as a direct reflection of how much they love you is simply CRAP!!! That’s a quantitative view of love which equates the amount of love with the ability to be interested in having another partner. When you break it down, this is as absurd as saying that a couple that gives birth to a second child must not love their first child or they couldn’t possibly have any interest in having a second one.

If my partner were happy with me, and if I were a good partner/spouse/lover/, then my partner would be so satisfied that they would not want to get involved with anyone else. This belief is even more insidious. With the first belief you can at least blame it on your partner for not loving you enough. This belief says that if your partner is interested in someone else, then it is your fault for not being the perfect lover or spouse and your relationship must be a failure. If you truly believe that your lover could ONLY be interested in another partner because you’re inadequate, YOU ARE ! You truly are a feasting ground can that will generate more jealousy than ANY human deserves!

If you are in a serious relationship then it should be a committed monogamous relationship.
This belief is built on the Judeo-Christian principal taught to you out of the New Testament teachings of Priests and other cleric that clearly understood that beginning during the time of Constantine the Great (300 AD.), when the Gospels of the New Testament were chosen, that children born out of wedlock ended up in State run orphanages, and that the earning potential of these children were almost non-existent and therefore their tithing 10 percent of their income to the Church administrators wouldn’t amount to much in the way of monetary gains. Just for the record these were the same priests that had promised a vow of celibacy to their God, while fucking thousands of young boys up the ass for their own twisted pleasure.

The position of ultimate monogamy was put forth by the Roman Church for deep rooted political reasonsin the 4th Century, as an opposing policy to the predecessors of Constantine, and a way in which his ego could emancipate him from all proponents of a *New Society* within the Empire. By allying with the Church to bring down *The Wrath of God* on anyone who continued to act in the ways of the Roman past, he was sure to seize the Kingdom by a new buzz-word *Morality* {a term still used today to lead humanity around like the ring through the nose of a bull}. By instilling a very primal fear of God’s condemnation, the Church would flourish financially and Constantine would be a historical ego. By tapping into the defenceless insecurities of the common man, Jealousy became the emotion used to process the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the people valued most, their relationship with God. Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something people have and are afraid of losing, while envy refers to something one does not have and either wants to acquire. The Church successfully injected jealousy into its congregations to carry forward from generation to generation, from country to country, from Bible study group to Missionary teachings throughout the last 1700 years. The word Jealousy, in Psychology involves an entire “emotional episode,” and stems from Roman days out of the Latin term *zelosus*.

Remember, there is only one true God, who becomes jealous when people worship other gods. The Apostle Paul wrote: * For I am jealous over you with a godly jealousy. For I married you to one husband, that I might present you as a pure virgin to Christ.*. However the Church Elders and Constantine forgot when compiling the New Testament that the Bible was already filled with numerous Polygamists, who worshipped God with their numerous wives next to them. Strange how those women were never reported to be filled with the Jealousy preached by Christianity.

In conclusion: Go forward, have compassion for yourself and your partner as you work through with these old beliefs and gradually replace them with beliefs that support your desire to embrace open and healthier relationship. Try on these new beliefs instead and see how they feel to you.

My partner loves me so much that they believe and trust in our relationship to expand and be enriched by experiencing even more love from others.
Our relationship is so solid and trusting that we can experience other relationships freely. My partner is so satisfied with me and our relationship that having other partners will not threaten the bond we enjoy but will add to the bond between us.
There is an abundance of love in the world and there is plenty for everyone. Sharing sexuality with more than one person is a choice that can exponentially expand my potential for giving and receiving love with my partner. The fact that these new beliefs sound so strange and almost laughable to us at first shows just how deeply the old paradigm beliefs about sexuality and relationships are ingrained in our consciousness. It also underscores the importance of dissolving these old beliefs if we ever hope to enjoy a live free of jealousy.

It is important to keep in mind that there is no simple finger-snap solution to jealousy. It usually requires trial and error to discover what works for your individual situation. And jealousy can bring up many powerful feelings and unpredictable emotions. So be gentle with yourself and your partner. Try to be understanding of each other’s needs and feelings. Make every effort to create a "win-win" situation for everyone by giving each person as much voice as possible in decisions and rule-making. Communication is key, and be willing to compromise to make sure both your needs are met. Being involved in non-monogamous relationships requires being willing to stretch ourselves and to tolerate a certain amount of risk-taking and uncertainty, especially at the beginning. While jealousy can be literally paralyzing at the outset. The balance of pain to pleasure will gradually shift until the enhanced satisfaction and joy will far outweigh the anxieties and insecurities. Soon you find that you and your partner will be able to resolve all jealous feelings. Having a long talk with supportive friends from time to time as well. This can give you a fresh perspective and some honest feedback. The first few months of exploring this new lifestyle are usually the hardest, so once you survive that, the hard work is behind you !!! Now you can relax and enjoy the wonderful relationship you have successfully created {and the wonderful orgasms too.}.

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